Monday, January 23, 2017

On Weather, guest post from Dragan Emmanuel

My fellow Americans, today I want to talk to you about an issue dear to my heart. I want to talk about the weather. So often, that is a euphemism for meaningless truisms, for the most banal of banalities exchanged to keep from discussing anything of substance, but today, today I will speak not of trivia, but of an issue that touches every citizen of this great nation.

Keen observers will already be aware that the weather is deeply problematic institution. The weather we receive each day is, in the current climate, unplanned, unregulated, unaccountable, undemocratic, and, in consequence, un-American. Every year, improperly distributed precipitation costs our communities millions in revenue. It picks the pockets of farmers and tourism-dependent towns and cities equally. Storms and fires destroy the homes of hardworking Americans. Undesirable urban snow slows travel, keeps our children from being educated, keeps parents from working to provide for their families, and wastes taxpayer dollars on removal. Unseasonable heat puts terrifying pressure on our electric grid every summer. With global warming accelerating, all of these problems will only become worse in the future.

I will use this speech to tell you how the Mad Science Party will change all of that.

If elected president, I will immediately implement a four-pronged program to give every American the weather they have always deserved.

First, I will direct the Army Corps of Engineers, the Defense Advanced Research Programs Agency, and NASA’s Center for Climate Research to partner with private industry in order to construct a global network of satellites and eight-mile high towers in order to control the weather, as laid out in my paper of March, 2013: A Pragmatic Approach to Extreme Weather Events. This building program will create jobs, catapult the United States to the forefront of climate science, and bring the weather firmly under our control.

Second, I will create a new Department of Weather, headed by a cabinet level Weather Controller. The Weather Controller will report directly to the president, and will oversee the department, with a mandate to implement progressive, democratically determined weather for the maximum benefit to businesses and citizens.

Third, I will establish yearly referendum votes in which each community can make their voice heard directly to the Weather Controller. These referendums will form the basis for the Department of Weather’s planning as it distributes temperatures, winds and precipitation. No longer will Americans wait to hear from the television weather-man what tomorrows weather will be. From now on, we will tell him.

Finally, I will establish a national hotline, designed to give Americans twenty-four hour access to senior employees of the Department of Weather. Any citizen suffering from adverse weather conditions will be able to call the department for immediate redress and rectification. Under my administration, no house need flood, no ship be lost, no rain cancel a family picnic.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for the upcoming and every subsequent presidential election. Together, my Fellow Americans, we can build a better tomorrow, unshackled from the bonds of doubt, of ignorance, of weather.
—Dragan Emmanuel,
President and founder

Mad Science Party of America

1 comment:

  1. Can I request that it rain on someone else's parade if I am annoyed with that person?

    Dadgonit, Philadelphia